Violence disguised as proof of love: Will Smith & the fake apology heard ‘round the world

Hey, Voyagers!

In light of what happened at the recent Oscars, while everyone is talking about whether Will Smith should or shouldn’t have done what he did, and victim-blaming the comic who told an arguably unfunny “joke” that led up to it, or opining about the future effects on comedians in general, all of which are important discussions, to me it seems more like the right time to talk about what a real apology is and what it is not.

BTW, I am not interested in the next-day, curated, written-by-his-publicist Instagram statement. I am interested in the speech he gave minutes later, when he had the chance to apologize to the person he assaulted in front of people who saw him commit the act.

Physically assaulting someone on stage at the ceremony?

Give that guy an Oscar 20 minutes later.

There are a few commonalities non-apologizers share. Distraction. Excuse-making. Apologizing around the event but not for the event. Expressing regret for the behavior without also expressing ownership of the behavior. Mr Smith hits this quad-fecta.

The word “love” makes an appearance no fewer than 6 times, in my personal favorite line of his: “But love will make you do crazy things.” This is so problematic for so many reasons (with it’s a very common excuse for intimate partner violence leading the pack), and Jena Friedman sums it up pretty nicely in this tweet.

He is being “called on” to be a river (to…🤷‍♀️?). He also “got to” protect the women in the movie with him (from what? Craft services…🤷‍♀️?). As Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says on his BRILLIANT blog, “Those who protect don’t brag about it in front of 15 million people. They just do it and shut up.” *Also worth noting, for the wife he was claiming to protect, she sure didn’t get a mention from him in the speech.*

Also, there is this gem:

“Richard Williams was a fierce defender of his family.” This one in particular is magical because it serves as distraction AND excuse while at the same time vaguely blaming the role he was playing for which he won the award AND implying the Williams sisters should approve of him assaulting Chris Rock 🤷‍♀️.

As far as the word “apology” it shows up a mere two times, and most notably neither of them are addressed to, you know, CHRIS ROCK. “I want to apologize to the Academy, I want to apologize to all my fellow nominees” omits Mr. Rock while conveniently omitting what he’s actually apologizing for. In other words, Mr. Smith doesn’t own his shit.

For the record, a real apology requires 3 things: 1. Ownership (without a “but”) and 2. A reason for your behavior without excuse, and 3. A promise/plan for how it will not happen again. Did Mr. Smith get it right the next day? I’ll let you know soon.* Until then, Voyagers, own your shit.

And stay Veracious.

-VV

*Update: it took 5 days, but he finally owned his shit with no excuse. Finally.