Preventing Sexual Assault: A How-to Guide for Guys Part 1 (AKA Don’t be a Creeper.)
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Okay, my fellow Voyagers. Huddle up. It is time, waaaay past time, to stop asking, why does she stay and start asking, why does he abuse? We need to stop asking, why didn’t she report it? and start asking, why did he do it?
I have many blogs on this site about how to predict and prevent violence, many of them directed towards women and encouraging them to use their intuition to keep them safe from danger. Now is the guys’ turn to hear all about how to prevent violence.
Because telling women how to avoid intimate partner violence and sexual assault is NOT the only solution to violence prevention. We must start teaching boys how to not be abusers of women.
We tell girls to avoid bad guys, to walk in pairs at night, to carry pepper spray, to never let your drink out of your sight, too (for god’s sake!) NOT WEAR A PONYTAIL because it’s easy to grab, but what are we teaching boys? “Respect women” is not enough. It needs to translate into behaviors.
Specifically, my brothers:
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO keeps going until you get a “no.” Wait until you get the “yes.” And by that I mean, an unambiguous, enthusiastic, “Don’t stop!” type of yes. Yes means yes, my friends. Only yes means yes.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO thinks that a girl’s body is yours to touch or manipulate. What was she wearing? Don’t care. What if she’s naked?! Doesn’t matter. Keep your hands to yourself.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO thinks it is her job to keep you from getting angry. Calm the f**k down, dude.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO behaves from jealousy or possessiveness, whether aggressively or passive-aggressively. She ain’t your possession, bruh. And jealousy? Quite simply, it destroys whatever it seeks to hold on to. You want her to run off with another guy? Be jealous of that guy. She’ll run right out the door.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO ignores her “no” or forgets the simple fact that “no” is a complete sentence. “Come on, why not?” is not accepting a no. She doesn’t want to dance with you. She doesn’t want you to buy her a drink. And she doesn’t owe you an explanation.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO won’t accept rejection. Accepting rejection with grace & dignity is one of the most mature things you will ever do.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO thinks she owes you. She doesn’t owe you anything, including her attention or her time. Or a smile.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO doesn’t own your mistakes. Denying responsibility or blaming everyone else is a sign of immaturity and insecurity, which, besides being unattractive as hell, are red flags for abuse. It’s also a good way to stay single. So there’s that.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO jumps into every single argument. A “real man,” a powerful man, the one with true confidence, doesn’t need to be right all the time. Or even most of the time.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO never takes a look at himself or works on himself or tries to become better.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO refuses to change. Stubbornness is not conviction. It isn’t noble. It reflects a shallow person who won’t accept reality because their ego and very identity is tied to being right about everything all the time.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO needs to keep other people down to make himself feel bigger.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO insults a girl to get her to comply with what he wants.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO interrupts her in order to finish her sentences.
DON’T BE THE GUY WHO EVER says, “are you on your period?” *This one might keep you safe as well!)
