You’re in a club, or at a party, and a guy slides up to you and wants to chat, wants to buy you a drink, or has some sort of pickup line. That guy is what I call a pseudo-stranger.
Or perhaps you swiped right, but the dude is no longer attractive to you.
For whatever reason you are just not interested in the guy, in person, or online. Doesn’t matter why. You don’t owe a reason. A simple “No, thank you” should suffice.
Next part of the scenario. He reacts with, “Okay, have a good night.” And leaves.
Awesome. End of interaction.
However, suppose he does something else, anything else. Suppose he overreacts. Suppose he doesn’t accept your “no” and decides to say something rude or insulting. What do you do? Only ONE choice here, Voyagers. End the interaction right there.
This leads us to Rule #1 of staying safe with pseudo-strangers:
The word “no” is a complete sentence, and that is something it is NEVER too early to teach a guy, or anyone, really. If he meets your “No” with a “Be nice,” “Come on,” or “Why not?” you now know all you need to know about him, which is that he is trying to control you.
A side note in the inappropriate reactions list. Supposed that the guy insults you by saying something like, “You think you’re too good for me, don’t you?” Or, even more to the point, “Why are you being such a bitch?” Gavin deBecker calls this manipulative behavior “typecasting,” and it is designed to get you to change your behavior, to start to be nice to him, give him your time and attention. Please for the love of baby Jesus in a manger DON’T GIVE your time and attention to someone who has already insulted you. What to do instead then? If you reply to him at all (which you shouldn’t; just walk away.) your answer is, “Yes. I am too good for you. So, why would you want to talk to me anyway?” Then, get away from him immediately. Let him go on “negging” (another name for this manipulation) someone else.
Also, there is Rule #1, part B: Don’t say “no” unless you mean it, and if you say it, stick to it.
Next is Rule #2 of staying safe:
If you want someone in your life, keep communicating with him. If not, don’t. It might seem like an over-simplification, but it is true. Example: Suppose a guy in a bar is rude or insulting or even grabby towards you. Anything you say or do to him invites him into your life. So, before you react by, say, throwing a drink in his face or insulting him or slapping him, or even defending yourself, i.e., “I am not a bitch!” just ask yourself: is this a person I want to invite into my life? Because, if you do any of that, guess what? You just have.
Check out my other relationship blogs, including more on preventing your own murder and avoiding an abusive relationship. And subscribe to my Interpersonal Newsletter for even more on improving the relationships you have while avoiding ones you don’t.
Until next time, Voyagers. Stay safe and stay happy.
-VV
PS. This stuff might also seem very “It’s up to you and only you to stop your own abuse, ladies!” but it is NOT. In fact, these are simply ways women can be aware of signs of future abuse. Guys gotta learn how to not be abusers. Which is why I have written this and this. Check them out and send them to anyone you think might need to read them.