My dear Voyagers. Let’s face it: most of us tend to be too nice, even when we shouldn’t be. So, perhaps it’s not surprising that the question I received recently is, unfortunately, a pretty common problem: “When does it become stalking? (And what do I do then?)” The truth is, ANY amount of contact after you have rejected someone is problematic. But, much of the time what you might find if you really look at your behavior is, you haven’t put the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. We all want to be nice, and don’t want to be uncomfortable or make someone else uncomfortable. So, instead of flat-out stating “I don’t want you see you anymore,” we say things like….“I’m not interested in dating anyone right now,” or “I just want to be friends,” and, because rejection feels rude, we don’t stop answering their messages.

You might also ask yourself, why aren’t they taking the hint? I’m not responding very often. We tend to apply our own logic to the situation and think, if I got dumped, I would have enough pride to take the hint. But some people don’t take hints—they will only hear what they want to hear. When you say words like, “not right now” and “let’s be friends,” they end up thinking, “Okay, I’ll just wait around until you’re ready.” “I’ll be their friend so I can prove that we’re perfect for each other.”

We are now so accustomed to knowing everything about everyone at all times. And with the extra-stalking features on social media like those on Snapchat making it so easy to not just “follow” someone but to FOLLOW them, that it might seem normal to be pursued in that way. But, what if the person pursuing is someone who could, or does, turn threatening?

To put it simply, stop being so damned nice. If they won’t leave you alone after you have broken up, then a rejection is in order—a real rejection. A real rejection is one that does not include any language that allows for any argument or misunderstanding. This is an example:

“I am not interested in you.”

“This is how I feel, not just now, but how I will always feel.”

“We both need to move on. That is what I plan to do.”

Much of this might sound a bit, well, mean. But take a careful look. What’s mean about it? Nothing. It doesn’t insult, blame, or name-call.

In fact, we are so used to avoiding rejection that a real “no’ sounds like an attack.

It is you taking responsibility for your own feelings. And, avoiding telling someone the truth is actually meaner than lying or leading someone on. Any other behavior from you invites someone to stay in your life you don’t want in your life.

It’s then time to stop answering their messages or responding in any way. And be sure to read this information from Reputation Defender for information on dealing with online stalking situations.

Resist the urge to continually tell them to stop. Why? Because if someone sends twenty messages and you repeat, stop it, you’ve taught them that twenty messages gets a response. Next time they’ll message you twenty-one times. The only way to have no contact is to have no contact. Eventually, most likely, they will move on, or, sadly, even find someone else to stalk.

On the extreme end, if you feel like you’re in danger from this person, then stronger measures might need to be taken. I advise everyone to read this book: The Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker. It will change your life. It might even save it. As Mr. deBecker says, if he were teaching a class on this stuff, it would not be called “Letting Him Down Easy.” Read his book to understand why.

Stay safe, Voyagers. And stay Veracious.

=VV