Hello, Voyagers,

As “YOU” is still wildly popular and so is Joe, it seems fitting to talk about this aspect of precursors to violence: A guy who expresses jealously or possessiveness over where you go, how you spend your time, and whom you are with isn’t doing it because he “just wants to make sure you’re okay.” This is a tricky one, because possessiveness can feel like positive attention, as in, “he must care about me to express such concern about everything I do and everywhere I go!” Nope. It isn’t care. It is control. This is the same thinking that is convinced that super-creepy Joe just looooves Beck on Netflix’s “YOU.” Spoiler alert: He doesn’t. (Also, good show. Great book. Hope season 4 is as good as season 1.) Also:

A guy who expresses contempt for what you do and things you enjoy isn’t doing that because you really should just give up that stupid hobby as it is a complete waste of time.

A guy who “loses his temper” and hits the wall instead of you, or breaks objects that matter to you isn’t doing it because he’s just taking it out on them and not you.

A guy who insults you or name-calls isn’t doing it because he’s right about you and you are worthless, stupid, and useless.

So, what is he really doing? He is isolating you. He’s making you question the things you love that aren’t him and take your attention and time away from him.

And he’s showing you two things: 1, this is what happens when I get mad, so don’t make me mad, and 2, you’re next. It’s just a matter of time.

He’s doing it because he knows, deep inside, that HE is the one who is worthless, stupid, and useless.

He’s already abusing you. He is taking away parts of your life and identity, little by little, piece by piece, action by action, word by word. He is taking ownership of another human being: YOU.

Here’s the truth: You don’t have to let him. Read this, Listen to strong legal advice like this.

Reach out. Get help.

Remember this, my brave Voyagers: Don’t stay because you’re scared of what could happen if you leave. Leave because you’re scared of what will happen if you stay.

With love & strength sent your way,

-VV

PS. A disclaimer of sorts. My posts are very she/he, but I am in no way disregarding that violence happens in non-hetero relationships as well. The principles of these red flags and behaviors still apply. Sadly, there is also a slightly higher rate of violence in LGBTQ relationships. The site loveisrespect.org has some great additional information and resources if that applies to you.

PPS. This stuff might also seem very “It’s up to you and only you to stop your own abuse, ladies!” but it is NOT. In fact, these are simply ways women can be aware of signs of future abuse. Guys gotta learn how to not be abusers. Which is why I have written this and this. Check them out and send them to anyone you think might need to read them.