Hello, Voyagers,

Please check out this site from the National Domestic Abuse Hotline and this one that details a list of red flags. Criminologist Dr Jane Monckton Smith has detailed the stages of abuse leading to homicide. Please read what she found. And, as always, if you haven’t yet read his book The Gift of Fear, what the hell are you doing? Stop reading this damn blog and go do that now.

Welcome back. So, after she went missing and before her body was found, police bodycam video of Gabby Petito and her boyfriend came out. And on it, her boyfriend had visible scratches on his arms. I turned to my husband with a heavy heart and said, "he's already choked her once and she fought back..so, of course he strangled her to death." The medical examiner’s report eventually stated that cause of death was in fact strangulation. This is not to say I have some crystal ball. I don’t pretend to be a psychic. Then how did I know? Because enough data tells us that instances of strangulation predict death in violent relationships more than any other type of violence.

It is important to be aware of the signs of an abuser long before it gets to that point. So, this blog will focus on dispelling the biggest myths of relationship pre-violence. Here goes:

A guy who pressures you into a commitment early in the relationship or out-of-nowhere declares his love for you on, like, your second date, isn’t doing it because you’re just that irresistible. He’s getting his hooks into you fast for one of two reasons: 1, he wants your commitment NOW, before his crazy shows up; or 2, he’s already in a relationship. Or maybe both. Don’t believe me? Accelerating the pace of a relationship is one of the most common threads found among abusive relationships.

If you ever find yourself thinking something like, “I’m sure things will get better and he won’t be so jealous & possessive once he learns to trust me,” heads up: No they won’t and no he won’t. Repeat after me: It won’t get any better. In fact, where you are right now is likely the best it will ever be.

A guy who disparages your friends and family and tries to separate you from them isn’t doing that because HE loves you more than THEY do. When this guy says, “Why do you need them? You have me,” he is isolating you so that you will depend solely on him and have no one to turn to when things turn to s**t. This pre-abusive behavior is one of the most insidious, because it relies on the fact that you won’t talk about your fear or worries about him with your friends. A guy, a grown-up guy, who *truly* loves you will support your other relationships, up to AND including you spending time away from him.

A guy who blames you for everything that goes wrong in his life, refuses to take responsibility for himself and his actions, including his temper and even violent behavior, isn’t doing it because you “made” him angry. You didn’t. He got angry. He decided to act on it. He made the choice to commit violence. How do we know this? Because to NOT commit violence? Yep, that’s also a choice.

Come back for part 2, where we will talk about why he dismisses your hobbies as “stupid” and that terrifying thing called “symbolic violence.”

Until then, stay safe, Voyagers. The first step of that is reading The Gift of Fear.

-VV

PS. This stuff might also seem very “It’s up to you and only you to stop your own abuse, ladies!” but it is NOT. In fact, these are simply ways women can be aware of signs of future abuse. Guys gotta learn how to not be abusers. Which is why I have written this and this. Check them out and send them to anyone you think might need to read them.