Prevent (your own) Murder: Am I in an abusive relationship?
Rebecca Harris
Hello, Voyagers,
You have probably seen announcements at the end of TV shows with the message, “if you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call this number…” But, how do we KNOW if we are or are not being abused? Sometimes we tell ourselves we are not “really” being abused because we are not being physically assaulted. (The Netflix show Maid is an example of this. Watch how many times Alex denies her husband is “really” abusing her. )
The questions below apply to any and all relationships, and are indicators that a person is trying to control you. Ask yourself:
Do I find myself doing or not doing certain things only so that I won’t be punished or pay a price in the relationship?
Does this person ignore my opinions or force theirs on me?
Does this person continually “make me crazy” or cause me stress, but I feel like I can’t talk to them about it?
Do I feel powerless in their presence?
Am I scared of what happens when I “make” them angry?
Do they try to talk me out of my thoughts and feelings (i.e., “Don’t be mad at me!” or “You’re stupid if you really think that!”)?
Do I bend to their will or pretend to bend to their will rather than talking about an issue?
Does this person insult or disparage other people who truly care about me?
Does this person insult or disparage my aspirations, interests, or hobbies?
Does this person insult me but then turn around and say they’re joking?
Am I continually trying to “fix” things so that they won’t be set off?
If these questions are answered in the positive, you are in a controlling relationship. (How many, you ask? How many yesses do I need before it’s a problem? In a romantic relationship, ONE yes means it is problematic. Two yesses means you are ALREADY being emotionally or psychologically abused. Three means you’re in physical danger.) Visit the domestic abuse hotline website or call 800-799-SAFE as soon as you can.
For more on this topic, and for more resources, scroll through and read my other interpersonal relationship blogs. And read this piece on the power that “Maid” has had on people who were in denial about their own controlling relationships.